My PTSD made me worried I would freeze in an emergency. Then my neighbour had a heart attack

Matthew Heneghan · for CBC First Person

· Posted: Jul 09, 2025 4:00 AM EDT | Last Updated: 8 minutes ago

This is simply a First Person file by Matthew Heneghan, who lives successful Falkland, B.C. For much accusation astir CBC's First Person stories, delight spot the FAQ.

Sitting connected my backmost patio, I tin spot a antheral each greeting settee into his backyard chair, sipping beverage beneath the elegance of a rising sun. Steam rises from his cupful similar an aboriginal greeting stretch. His quietude shows contentment for the moment, and I can't assistance but smile.

My neighbours, Rod and his beauteous wife, Colleen, beryllium and bask their cuppa, woven successful the other's company. It's a presumption astir artists would neglect to capture. But beingness — bless it — has granted maine the quiescent privilege of watching this real-life watercolour travel to beingness daily.

Matthew Heneghan was calved successful the U.K. and immigrated to Canada erstwhile helium was five. He served successful the Canadian Armed Forces arsenic a medic for six years. Upon his honourable release, helium became a civilian paramedic and worked successful that relation until 2017. After astir 15 years, helium was diagnosed with PTSD and was forced to recalculate his vocation trajectory. Though helium took a measurement backmost from front-line work, helium began a travel successful writing.

I ever feared that if a infinitesimal similar this came again, I'd freeze. Or autumn apart. 

Back erstwhile I was moving and self-medicating with alcohol, I was capable to tolerate a 1000 stressors astatine once. When navigating the archetypal days of sobriety, the satellite astir maine near maine feeling fragile and unsure of my abilities.

But against each likelihood — and successful defiance of the sound successful my caput — I dropped to my knees and assessed Rod quickly. After knowing the severity of Rod's condition, I began compressions. Owen, different neighbour, joined maine arsenic we took turns doing CPR and Carissa, Owen's wife, called 911 and held the telephone truthful I could talk with dispatch.

We worked unneurotic — neighbours, friends. A nationalist automatic outer defibrillator. One shock. 

And then, the adjacent intolerable happened: ROSC — instrumentality of spontaneous circulation. Rod's bosom recovered its mode back.

I don't retrieve overmuch aft the paramedics arrived. 

My caput started slipping sideways — clip bent and abruptly I was backmost successful the acold of immoderate nighttime oregon connected immoderate metropolis curb, knees afloat of gravel oregon fragments of breached windshield, hands connected a stranger's thorax desperately trying to pump beingness backmost into it.

My partner, Sheena, did what she could to support maine grounded. She called my sanction softly, coaxing maine to enactment successful the present. Guiding maine to usage the tools and supports gained implicit years of therapy. Just arsenic Rod needed a pulse to live, I needed Sheena to past it all.

Later, I stood successful the gait and stared left, to wherever Rod usually sits. 

Empty chairs. Morning sun. My bosom bushed on, but it ached. I looked down astatine my hands and wondered if they'd done enough. Wondered if disappearing inward made maine little utile to the others who were there. PTSD has a mode of making you uncertainty yourself.

For a week, the abstraction remained vacant. Mornings felt dimmer. The writer danced successful the breeze, but it each felt little than before.

Then, connected the ninth day, Sheena woke maine gently.

"Rod's home."

I threw disconnected the covers, ran downstairs and burst retired the backmost door. Still squinting into the sun, I lifted a manus to shield my eyes and looked left.

And determination — painted successful each its glorious familiarity — sat Rod and Colleen, sipping their tea. Together.

"Morning, Rod."

"Hey, Matthew."

That elemental instrumentality was 1 of the champion sounds I've ever heard successful my small life.

Rod — invited home, my friend. This town, and each its painted days, are amended with you successful it.

Enjoy your tea.

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